A Deity Shattered

Once I took a 10 day silent retreat to learn meditation, 

and it was the hardest thing I had ever done, 

even after 4 years in the army, giving birth to 2 children, 

maintaining 4 simultaneous relationships for over 10 years. 

The following year, I went back to sit again for 10 silent days 

and upon arrival my first thought was, 

"What was I thinking? Why am I here? Have I no sense at all?"

I am made of Divinity. My substance has existed even before time,

having taken this moment to learn myself, pause, breathe, notice, 

find and recombine my fragments into some semblance of wholeness. 

There are days when minor inconvenience cripples me, 

days when I am paralysed by my own imagination, and then days where, 

in the face of improbability, I rally against any sensible odds 

behaving heroically — or foolishly — stronger than I should, 

pushing through a tragedy to some other side.

I have largely forgotton my true nature as a deity shattered, 

my desire to grasp the texture of each spark and shard. 

I am forgetting daily, each momement, even now, 

the dream a flitting moth in the corner of my vision, 

small evidence that there is a god infestation 

devouring the delicious fabric within my cedar hope chest.